my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
