My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
