you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
