I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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