I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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