My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
