It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
