Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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