im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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