just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS