Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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