standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
