He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How does one acquire holy water?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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