i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
