Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
