The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
