Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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