Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
