he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
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His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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