Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So many bounce houses so little time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
