i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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