I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
