I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
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I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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