Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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