I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
