Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
