I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
