I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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