Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
