your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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