ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
These tits shall not be calmed
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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