I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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