he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
