So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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