I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
