I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
