My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
