Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
