If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize