I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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