i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize