I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
