Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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