I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
organizing the empties. That sober.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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