the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
