yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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