i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
