hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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