I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
