Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
