she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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