Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic