Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.