My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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