hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
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I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?