I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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