mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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