Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
