True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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