my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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