there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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