This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
