If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
