dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
