You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
